Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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