Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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