I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
