This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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