I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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