I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
