i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish there were birth control emojis
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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