i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
