She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
