wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize