I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
