when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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