Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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