so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
