Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
