apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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