what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
