just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
