I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
