Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
