It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Can I color on your dick again?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
