I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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