This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
