next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
