Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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