If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
