I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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