I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
