Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
