I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
