he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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