Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
