Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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