i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
