I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
