dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
