is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
