Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
