Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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