What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
