I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
