he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
