i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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