Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
And then my night got REAL pukey
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
