I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
