she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You have to summon your inner elephant
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
