so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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