I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
