K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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