she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
