Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
