In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Dear god my vagina.
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