I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
