I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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