It's Friday. Sex?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
