I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
