the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
so much tequila, so little girl.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
