At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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