There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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