If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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